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Friday, 16 October 2015

Day 1496b - The Q&A session proper

Yesterday I promised to post the MorrisseysWorld parody piece from August 2011 entitled, The Q&A session proper, so here it is. It's an absolute belter, although it lacked pictures, so I have added some:


The Q&A session proper

Ross: So I hear you're planning on stripping to the waist for the old Frinksters at the London shows, Mozzer. Didn't you pledge to strip at the Palladium if the seats were sold out?

Moz: Indeed I did Jonathan. Needless to say, those final few tickets simply flew out of the box office.

Brand: Well I bought four seating tickets in disparate locations for my many personalities, and I already had a ticket for the stalls.

Moz: Disparate? Poor choice of words, Russell. Where did you go to university again?

Brand: [looks dejected]

Ross: I bought a few myself. Desperate to see you shirtless once again, Moz. [ironic look in eyes]

Moz: It's an extraordinary phenomenon. These are fully-formed adults, and mostly male... it doesn't fit into any stereotyped heterosexual fantasy... [quick wave of the hand]

Brand: How does it feel being a sex symbol, Morrissey?

Moz: Well it's not as easy as it looks. Having the Frinksters comment on every curve of your pectoral muscles... luckily the old bod just about measures up...

Ross: Not many men could get away with stripping off at fifty-two, Moz...

Moz: [glowers at Ross, says nothing]

Ross: Moving on...

Moz: I personally think it adds a punk aesthetic to my live shows. I consider myself the natural heir to the punk crown. After all, I say what I want, I do what I want, I dress how I want, and I undress when I want...

Brand: So quotable...

Moz: [nods]

Boz: And the music press say we can't play our instruments, which is what punk was all about...

Moz: Leave the self-effacing humour to those who can manage it, Boz.

Brand: Am I alone in thinking Jesse Tobias is a rather nuanced pop guitarist?

[awkward silence, seems to last for minutes, Morrissey looks at floor and nibbles on pain-au-raisin]

Ross: But Mowwissey... Will there come a time when you have to stop stripping off on stage? You know, like the Backstreet Boys; when they all hit thirty, they kept their shirts on... I think it was a cwedibility thing... you know, to convince their fans they were serious musicians, after all... [blinks a lot, looks terribly serious]

Moz: Oh come now, Jonathan. Is that an attempt at a serious journalists' question? One cannot compare a classic sex symbol such as myself to a bunch of skinny kids dancing to a backing track... and as it happens, I'm one of those who thought the Backstreet Boys ceased stripping to the waist much too early in their careers... Nick Carter could have been as big as me if he hadn't stopped and... where is he now?

Brand: Actually I think stripping to the waist adds credibility when you do it, if anything, Morrissey... [looks doe-eyed at his idol, curious about any insights the older man might have to offer]

Moz: Yes but you see I've always been credible. Therefore I have nothing to prove. [waves palm upwards] And frankly with all the middle aged people running about and turning up at my shows, the world is simply crying out for a middle aged sex symbol...

Boz: Sir-

Moz: No titles in the workplace, Boz...

Boz: But sir, you told me to call you-

Moz: -I insist, Boz. [faint, uncomfortable laughter]

Boz: Very well. I was going to ask, Moz, how do you manage to remain in such amazing shape as you approach your very late forties?

Moz: Excellent question, Boz. I put it down to being a vegetarian...

Ross: Don't you ever eat meat by accident? Surely just once you've accidentally ingested a bit of BBQ chicken wing that fell off the barbecue and landed on your slice of aubergine?

Moz: Well as it happens I was in Pizza Hut the other day and discovered a bacon bit in my mound of iceberg lettuce... the fascists at that US Corporation will use any tactics to get you to buy a Hawaiian pizza... they probably knew it was me and thought they could subvert my instincts by hiding it in there... convert me to eating meat then get me to advertise their product on the television... I was in disguise but... well, there's only so much you can do to disguise this face. [nods arrogantly]

Ross: Haha

Moz: I'm not sure I see the funny side, Jonathan.

Brand: I read on your blog you've become a Justin Bieber fan, Morrissey [looks up with anticipation at the next Wildean quip to be unleashed but also anxious not to be insulted again by the infamously acid tongue of a professional wit]

Moz: Oh that's been overstated. I admired his satirical live DVD. I'm certainly no great fan of his music.

Brand: [sings Baby baby baby yeah i'm like baby baby baby no i'm like baby...]

Moz: See that's what I mean. Why write lyrics like that? As I always say to aspiring pop writers - never repeat words. There are so many fascinating words to use, there's simply no excuse for repeating the one word baby eighteen times in a single chorus...

Ross: [glancing at lyric sheet to Bieber CD lying on the coffee table] sixteen, seventeen, eighteen... Haha rumbled Mozzer! You are a fan - he uses the word Baby exactly eighteen times in the chorus!

Moz: [smiles, brushes quiff back] As I always say to aspiring writers, there are so many mesmerizing words... there's never a need to repeat a word unnecessarily and if you really are completely out of ideas, simply sing a few 'Las' as I did on my latest song 'The Kid's a Looker' to such astonishing effect, as per my recent Guardian review. That can help fill a few bars. Or - and this will only work if the song has a Spanishy vibe like First of the Gang to Die - perhaps a few hey hu-heys? Got a song with a middle eastern vibe? Simply use a few 'duh-duh-duhs' like I used to fascinating effect in 'I Will See You in Far Off Places.'... tricks of the trade... It can make all the difference, really...

Ross: So seriously what do you make of the Bieber phenomenon, Mowwissey?

Moz: Well I think he's craftier than he looks. You can't make $100 million in this industry before you're sixteen and not be an evil b******. Never Say Never is a searing critique of this industry and the coporate exploitation therein. Justin knows exactly what he's doing with the butter-wouldn't-melt act but we're not buying it - not after the way he ridiculed that buck-toothed fiddle player. But then I also see a few things that are really unsustainable, moments of naivety from the lad... for example in his live DVD, he twitters his fans with the message:

"I'm sick but U know I neva want 2 let u down..."

Now Justin certainly won't make it to his 4th decade in pop music if he doesn't realise letting fans down is exactly what makes one's career last... each time one lets them down, it only adds to that enigmatic otherness factor and if anything adds to one's appeal...cancelling more gigs is what he'll need to do if he's to survive as long as a certain cold war warrior... Not turning up at festivals and claiming no one told you that you were on the bill... and don't forget ejecting fans from live gigs... it's all tofu for the grill. When he stops apologising and starts cancelling gigs on a whim, or because he fancies visiting a decent restaurant instead: then his career will finally begin...

Ross: Interesting...

Moz: Yes and I was also rather disgusted at the fact all the middle aged men were airbrushed out of the live concert footage. All these 'I [heart - morrissey creates a heart symbol with his thumbs and fingers] Justin' posters held up by teenage girls... and inexplicable bald patches floating around in the audience with no person attached... now I could airbrush my fans too... and God knows some of them need it... but it would just be crass, quite frankly... and if you are going to photoshop your fans, at least do a professional job and don't leave bald patches, heavily-inked tattoos and soiled rucksacks floating about in mid-air...

Brand: Morrissey, is it true that you have no record deal again? What is with those record labels? Don't they know you're a genius?

Moz: [knowing smile, sits forward] Well that's a very astute observation, Russell; but not for the reasons you might be thinking. The fact I am a genius is the very reason they won't touch me with a bargepole. These days one has to be stripped of all intelligence and wit to be a pop star. I mean just look at LadyBoy Gaga...

Ross: I'd rather not, Mozzer, if it's all the same to you. I haven't felt the same since I saw her cock in the green room...

Moz: I've met her, you know... him. Little old me.... oh just a nobody really... but I get my fair share of invitations, you know... just the odd one...

Boz: Sir- I mean Moz- how did you become so intelligent?

Moz: Good question, Boz. I think it was entirely natural. It's not something I've ever had to work at. I just find everybody else in pop is so utterly lacking in that regard...

Boz: How would you describe yourself in one word, Moz?

Moz: [pauses, rubs chin]

Boz: Fascinating?

Moz: [mildly irritated] No, no Boz. Poor choice of words there, old son.

Boz: Mesmerizing?

Moz: [raises an eyebrow] Do you know what? You've hit the nail on the head with that one, Boz. Your word selection has improved out of all recognition since you began working with a certain Mancunian poet, Boz. You never would have chosen that word to describe me in 1993 - even at the second attempt. Didn't he do well, Jonathan?

Ross: Well done, Boz. Praise from Mozzer is high praise indeed.

Boz: [smiles self-consciously, glances desiriously at the part-eaten pain-au-raisin]

Ross: One final question, Moz. I read on your blog that you're considering wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt soon...

Moz: Yes - what's the question?

Ross: Well, why?

Moz: I've realised there's just no newspaper column inches in moaning about the latest pop stars, really, as moaning from Old Mozzer is hardly front page news these days. Therefore I'm going to start ironically endorsing these new acts - Bieber, J-Lo, Kelly Clarkson... reminiscent of when I wore that American Idol t-shirt to such uproarious effect.

‘Timeless’ Morrissey thrills Wireless

Brand: I like that idea, Moz, I like it a lot...

Moz: [nods.] In one sense it's more powerful than simply moaning. In recent years I've been a bit of a misery guts: gone and forgotten the value of a bit of ironic positivity. So expect lots of ironic positivity and t-shirts of manufactured pop acts over the coming months, as well as news on the album front and a possible tour of the US...

Ross: Speaking of Justin Bieber, is there going to be 'One Less Lonely Girl' on your next tour, Mozzer? [raises eyebrows and smirks]

Moz: Steady on Jonathan. [cool stare] I once sacked Kristeen Young for less...

Ross: [looking upset] Is there any artist's t-shirt you wouldn't wear, Mowwissey? Eh Mozzer? [giggles like a schoolgirl]

Moz: Well I'd draw the line at Will Young. And Gareth Gates is singing on cruise ships these days I hear; I don't suppose it's even possible to buy a Gareth Gates t-shirt anymore. But if it were possible to buy Gareth t-shirts, I would definitely turn my nose up at one of those. I wouldn't be seen dead in one. The moral of the story is that however bad one's life seems, it's not as bad as Gareth Gates' life.

Brand: So Wildean...

Ross: I saw a letter in the NME from Robert Smith this week, Mowwissey...

Moz: Now that's what I call desperate...

Ross: Thank you Mowwissey.

Moz: Thank you and Goodnight.

Boz: Sir, weren't you going to post a note on TTY advising your fans not to buy that over-priced Smiths boxset for £200?

Moz: Yes Boz, don't worry your pretty little head about that. Just another week or so. Orders haven't quite begun to plateau...

It should be noted that 4 weeks after this masterpiece was published, Morrissey DID issue a TTY statement distancing himself from the "over-priced Smiths boxset", and also took the opportunity to draw everyone's attention once again to MorrisseysWorld - but of course, only a very few people realised what was going on.... and it's also where I came in.


  1. Bravo Rat, a great reminder of where we've come from

  2. Oh the joy of reading these parodies, I never tire of reading them . The wit is so sharp. Real comedy gold.
    I don't think I will ever stop missing the MW blog & the sense of belonging I felt.

    1. It is still impossible to believe that more people were unable to put the pieces together. MorrisseysWorld remains the work of a genius.

  3. A true masterpiece - thanks for posting.

  4. A new parody is imminent...


  5. Those were the days hey... missed terribly

  6. I am absolutely loving rereading these parodies. They are truly brilliant. Thanks for posting them Rat. And to the author, thanks for writing them and sharing them with us and for being you. We are the lucky ones. New peices of writing from you would be a gift and would be appreciated enormously and adoringly by your devoted following.

  7. Hello, is the new parody about the wonderful novel List of the Lost? Waiting. Have a nice evening.

  8. Ratty dear, where are you? Just read a new interview with Morrissey, is in portuguese and I understood quite well, or I think so, surely one name is not portuguese: Justin Bieber. I didn't finish to read LOTL, but I'm slowly enjoying it and,by now, I got the mad idea that Ezra is Johnny...and Eliza is Angie and the dead is a metaphora of the Smiths disbanded and the fetch is another metaphora for the ghost of the Smiths always glued on Marr and Morrissey solo carrer...I have to read the book, ciao.

  9. I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.


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