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Friday, 30 October 2015

Day 1510 - Little Joe's body talk, and Another MorrisseysWorld Classic - Monopoly Challenge from Dec 2012 by Our Mozzer

Yesterday in The Loveless Go-Go Bar, I got chatting, as you do, to Warhol Superstar Joe Dallesandro. I'd noticed the other day that Joe had tweeted to @TheDandyWarhols and said, "I'm still waiting for you guys to pull a Morrissey and steal a photo for an album cover". I was interested that Joe had used the word "steal", so I asked him when he had first found out that Morrissey had used his image on the front of the Smiths LP, and was he flattered? Joe replied, "I thought it was great he just took it without asking anybody."

I sensed a little bitterness in Joe's reply, but it seemed rather unlikely to me that Joe's image from the film Flesh had been used without permission; although then again, the Terence Stamp image had been used on What Difference Does It Make without authorisation. I grabbed my copy of the album and read the sleeve notes, which informed me that the image was, "reproduced by permission", so I posted a copy of it to Joe.

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Joe responded by saying, "Originally he just took the image from the film and cropped it is what I heard. Paul (Morrissey the director of the film) was asked later. Nobody asked me."

I then stated that if permission had been refused, then Moz may have had to strip off and reenact the pose himself. Joe replied, "I think it all worked out exactly how it should", which I guess is Joe's way of saying that his is the better body!

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And now, as all is still quiet in MorrisseysWorld and Morrissey's world, here is another classic from the MorrisseysWorld blog, and it IS a classic; which coincidentally features a picture of Joe Dallesandro, which I am guessing, Our Mozzer used without permission!:


MorrisseyBand Monopoly Challenge Cup, December 2012

Morrissey, Jonathan Ross, Mikey Bracewell, Broken and Boz Boorer are sitting round a large highly polished French table, covered with a Charles Hawtrey table cloth. Solomon Walker is sitting in the corner, wearing a large paper cone atop his head. Right at the front of the cone is the letter 'D,' scrawled in childlike handwriting.

Boz Boorer: "Out first again, Solomon? He's not bad at OXO, but old Solomon hasn't quite got what it takes when it comes to the bigger intellectual challenges, sir"

Morrissey:"Boz, it can't be easy playing monopoly with one's mouth taped shut. I think he did quite well, all things considered"

Wossy: "I think he did bloody well considering he couldn't claim a single rent payment!"

Morrissey: "That's a little presumptious, Jonathan. Are you saying that just because a man cannot speak that he cannot compete?"

Wossy *adopts a glib smile and brushes his hair back* "Well it's not easy claiming your rent on Piccadilly Palare when your mouth's taped shut, Mozzer!"

Morrissey: "Don't be so small-minded, Jonathan. Based on your rather shallow analysis, a man who is deaf and dumb couldn't possibly play monopoly. Why couldn't he simply nod or sign when his rent's due?"

Wossy: "Well he could, Mozzer," laughs Jonathan. "Except you went and tied his hands behind his back and ignored him every time he moved, or tried to alert you to his rent being due!"

Morrissey: "Oh come now, Jonathan. Do you really think I hadn't already thought of that? I am, after all, paid to be two or three steps ahead of the common man's thought process. Try again, Jonathan-"

Boz Boorer: *nods enthusiastically and then notices his right breast has popped out. Tucks his right breast back into his light blue dress and goes back to nodding*

Wossy: "I'm not sure what you're getting at, Mozzer, but it's your go!"

Morrissey: *the seminal artiste bites his lower lip*

.......silence fills the room. Boz Boorer coughs and then swallows. Broken sips his gin.......

Mikey Bracewell: "Jonathan, I think you'll find that Morr-ee-sayhas been trying to teach us all a lesson about discrimination. You see, Solomon has been mistreated - quite brazenly so - and yet which of you stood up for Solomon? Which of you stopped to ask why he had his mouth taped shut, his arms tied behind his back, a dunce's cap in situ and... *he takes an uncomfortable breath*...nipples clamped bilaterally."

Morrissey: *nods solemnly*

Boz Boorer: "That's brilliant, sir. A lesson. About bullying. Truly superbly done, sir - fascinating, very, very fascinating, the way you got us all to persecute the minority but then made us realise we'd been had, sir. Very clever, sir - well you've really got me thinking now, sir, because this is a bit like the holocaust. Solomon's the minority and we're the Nazis, sir, and, well, I suppose he's in his dunce's cap but the next step would have been a gas oven, sir-"

Morrissey: "-Forget the holocaust, this is KFC territory. If you prick a drummer, does he not bleed?"

Broken: "If those nipple clamps get any tighter, you might just find out-"

Solomon Walker nods and gestures but is ignored...

Mikey Bracewell: "So you see, Jonathan? The seminal artiste has, once again, intellectually outflanked us all..."

Boz Boorer: "He's pure compassion..."

Tears begin pouring down Solomon Walker's cheeks as blood begins trickling down his torso.

Wossy: "It was a good lesson, Morrissey and I might just buy into what Mikey's saying, except you had your rhythm section taped up last month... and the month before... and, as I recall, the month before that...."

Morrissey: "Minor details, Jonathan. Do try to focus on the message-"

*the seminal artiste rolls the dice*

Morrissey: "Typical. Go to Rourke's Bedsit, move directly to Rourke's Bedsit, do not pass Go, do not collect £200."

Wossy: "Old Mozzer's in trouble - is his run of 117 successive monopoly victories about to come to an end?!"

Morrissey: *glowers at Jonathan Ross, picks up the MorrisseyBand Monopoly Challenge Cup and holds it up*

Wossy: "Sorry, Mozzer - that's 127 successive monopoly victories! There's hardly any space for any more names to be engraved on it! All the way back to 2002! Oh you won in January 2002, Boz!"

Boz Boorer: *nods humbly*

Morrissey: "The b*****d cheated like a c***. I caught him stealing from the bank and had to fine him two months' wages, with a heavy heart. Of course his theft only came to light after we'd had his name engraved on the cup, when I checked the CCTV footage to debrief on how I'd managed to lose to Boz S*dding Boorer. And I certainly wasn't going to fork out to have it removed, not with my tour overheads on the old Oye Esteban! tour being what they were..."

Wossy: "...September, 2012 - Morrissey; October, 2012 - Morrissey; November, 2012 - Morrissey; December, 2012 - Morrissey. Hang on a minute, Mozzer! It's December now! You can't have your name engraved on there before you've won!"

Morrissey: That was a three-for-the-price-of-two offer, Jonathan. I got my name engraved on the October, November and December slots for the cost of two engravings. Idealism is all very well, but what happens when the money runs out?"

Broken: "In your case, Morrissey, when the money runs out, someone else will no doubt pay for your idealism-"

Morrissey: "I don't know what you mean, old son..."

Broken: "Swords. The Best Of Morrissey. The Very Best of Morrissey. Morrissey's Greatest Hits. Need I go on?"

Boz Boorer: "You're wrong there, Broken, old son, because it was actually called Suedehead: The Best Of Morrissey, not The Best Of-"

Morrissey: "-Shut up, Boz. *licks his lips* I think you'll find those albums changed the lives of quite literally thousands of young people who might never have discovered Morr-ee-say otherwise... Of course being a 'humble' scientist, on the NHS gravy train, you've never had to sell a painting, never had to cobble together a greatest hits package..."

Broken: "No - I've had to buy my fair share though. I even shelled out for that piece of s*** My Early Burglary Years. I probably own a couple of breeze blocks in your mansion, Morrissey, with all the cash I've forked out on reissues, repackagings, etc.-"

Morrissey: "-Oh come now, Broken - with these costly legal wrangles, the endless record companies and their abject inability to competently vend reasonable quantities of my more recentmasterpieces, the absence of any external financial support for one's trans-continental tours and the northern leeches, who go onremoving, you and I both know I'm as poor as a church mouse-

Boz Boorer: "That's right, sir - Broken has no idea how it feels to have to cancel a Leisure Centre tour due to the spiralling cost ofCo-Op Pain-au-raisin.... no idea how it feels when you have to flog a classic song to a supermarket for its Christmas marketing campaign, just to be able to record a few failed songs, like 'The Kid's a Looker'... Broken has no idea, sir, how it feels to have to sell all your credibility for the next pound, just to keep your career afloat in your very-late-forties-"

Morrissey: "-Try not to let your imagination get the better of you, Boz, old son. I'm hardly a day over forty four."

Mikey Bracewell *sips his tea*

Broken: "Don't you think it's just a tad undignified, Morrissey, for an artist of your importance to be flogging your arse around community centres and upstairs universities in two-bit town centres throughout the United States, stripping to the waist and singing 'Ouija Board, Ouija Board' as you approach retirement age? Will you still be stripping to the waist when you're getting around Cheshire with your free bus pass? Will you flash a bit of flesh for the old dears on the number 66 bus?"

Boz Boorer: "Heathercat says, 'yes please!' on Twitter."

Wossy: "Broken, Mozzer's like a fine wine - his body just gets better with age!"

Morrissey: *closes his eyes, strokes his jaw*

Boz Boorer: "That's right, Wossy, Morr-ee-say's like one of those fine bottles of Blue Nun, those ones with the corks and everything, that retired couples sell for over £6 at car boot sales near where I live..."

Morrissey: *grimaces and squeezes his brow*

Broken: "I just think, Morrissey, that a man of your undoubted genius should be doing a little more with his career than recycling 'Swallow on my Neck' and 'Alma Matters' with a band so leaden, you could probably die of toxicity just by inhaling the air around them during one of those shocking Leisure Centre gigs-"

Morrissey: -"Concerts; Will Young does-"

Broken: -"Will Young has been writing better songs than you for the past decade." *rolls the dice*

Morrissey: *opens an eye*

Broken: *moves his silver phallus along the board*

Morrissey: "Aggghhhhhh! Pay me, c***!"

Broken: "How much?"

Morrissey: "The Oasis Leisure Centre with three houses... Oh just £450, old friend..."

Broken: "I don't know where you get all this money from"*pointing at Morrissey's wad of cash* "Anyone would think you weren't quite playing fair..."

Morrissey: "You're the bank, old son. I can't imagine you're giving me any help..."

Broken: *gives the seminal artiste a glassy stare*

Morrissey: "There's so much destruction all over the world, and all you can do is complain about me winning at board games..."

Broken: "That is not a good lyric..."

Morrissey: "...Recently compared to the poets Larkin and Betjeman, old friend..."

Broken: "Yes but they were looking at your lyrics prior to 'He thinks he's got the whole world in his hands... stood at the urinal'"

Morrissey: "...Look, it's £450, stop trying to change the subject...Of course I could be tempted to accept the Omagh Leisure Centreand Brentwood Leisure Centre, plus £100, if you can't quitestump up the cash, old son-"

Broken: *looking at Boz Boorer* "He must think I was born yesterday. Morrissey with a monopoly on Leisure Centres? He's nobody's fool, Old Mozzer-"

Wossy: *sniggers*

Morrissey: "Something amusing you, Jonathan?"

Boz Boorer: *looks gravely at Wossy and taps his fingers on the table*

Wossy: "No, Mozzer" - *adopts a deadpan expression* - "I just thought you went in too low there. I would have pushed for Wellington Town Hall as well...!"

Morrissey: "Oh I already have the purples with hotels and the greens with houses. I don't really need another Town Hall..."

Boz Boorer: "Especially since you didn't even fill out the venue the last time you played Wellington Town Hall, Morr-ee-"

Morrissey: "-Stop disturbing my thought process, Boz."

***************A few more turns go by*******************

Morrissey: "Ah.. my turn again of course." *licks his lips, shakes the dice but does not throw them*

Mikey Bracewell: *gazes up at the naked lifesize poster of iconic singer Morrissey with the 7" single over his gonads*

Morrissey: *shakes the dice loudly in the egg cup*

Mikey Bracewell: *sips his tea*

Morrissey: *rattles the dice forcefully and sighs loudly*

Mikey Bracewell: *glances at his watch*

Morrissey: *pauses and glowers at Mikey Bracewell*

Broken: "Throw the dice, Morrissey. Play the game."

Mikey Bracewell: *glances up and notices Broken has landed on his house*

Morrissey: *pauses and daintily shakes the dice, sticks his tongue in his cheek, his eyes track from Mikey to Broken and then to the house*

Mikey Bracewell: *gazes at broken, who is silently sipping his gin; Mikey bites his lip, looks away*

Morrissey: *hurls the egg cup against the far wall. The egg cup smashes and the dice land on a double six*

Mikey Bracewell: "Oh dear, I missed that one, Broken; silly me."

Morrissey: *moving the statuette of himself in red lounge jacket a la The Jonathan Ross Show circa 2004*... "Let's hope you're a little more alert next time you edit one of my chapters, Mikey. I'd hate to see you get sacked in the most embarrassing of circumstances..."


Three hours earlier:

Morrissey (whispering): "You be the bank, Broken."

Broken: "Again? F***'s sake, Morrissey, they might be dim but they're not that dim. How am I going to get the bank? Not the old 'pick a card, any card' routine, surely?"

Morrissey: *smirks*

Broken: *rolls his eyes*

Morrissey: "Remember, every time I pass go, give me £600. And remember to argue with me, be quite nasty... they'll never twig."

Broken: "Same as last month... and the month before... and the one before that...."

Morrissey: "There's £5000 tax free, and an autographed naked life-size poster of a certain singing icon resting on it, Broken. I'm sure you can manage it, old son-"

Broken: "-Let's make it £4000 - and you keep the poster."

Morrissey: *looks angry, then smirks*


  1. Super cool, the Dandy's rule, okay.
    Got the dough and got the raves,
    Anytime, call me up if you
    Got the sun, cause I got the waves.

  2. Who'd have thought that we'd have the opportunity to converse with Joe Dallesandro in a go-go bar? Loved re-reading the Mozopoly piece - yet another gem. Will we be lucky enough to see a new parody sometime soon?

  3. I have just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.


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