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Friday, 22 July 2016

Day 1873 - Guess who's back?

Our Mozzer has today made a triumphant and humorously vicious return to The Wrong Arms, but more about that later. First, I must write what I intended to write before he suddenly appeared.

On the evening of July 21st 2012, an article was published on the now defunct MorrisseysWorld blog entitled, 'Leaked minutes of a private meeting of the inner sanctum of the Blue Rose Society of Morrissey, private tea room, The Dorchester Hotel, London, England, Date: unknown.'

I mentioned the MW article in my blog entry of July 22nd 2012, but I didn't bother to republish the piece on FTM, as all of my readers were also MorrisseysWorld readers, so they would have already read it. Luckily I kept a copy of it, so four years on, I have decided to publish it in its full glory.

In the piece, Log Lady proclaims that, "in the strangest of circumstances, he (Morrissey) will be be photographed with a blue rose soon". Unbeknown to any of us Moz fans at that time, earlier that same day, Morrissey had been photographed receiving the key to the city of Tel Aviv whilst wearing a BLUE ROSE TIE. The photos of Moz in the tie appeared on the internet the following day. Log Lady KNEW!




SATURDAY, 21 JULY 2012

Leaked minutes of a private meeting of the inner sanctum of the Blue Rose Society of Morrissey, private tea room, The Dorchester Hotel, London, England. Date: unknown.


Blue Rose Society member Andrea Willoughby - pre-concert San Diego, May 22nd 2012

Present:
The seminal artiste Our Mozzer - iconic singer, songwriter, cultural observer
The seminal artise's Mam - Mam of seminal artiste
Mikey Bracewell - former novelist
Jonathan Ross - talkshow host, fawning fan of seminal artiste
Boz Boorer - guitarist in seminal artiste's band, semi-professional drag artist
TheRatsBack - fawning blogger, official historian of The Blue Rose Society
Walter Ego - alter ego of semi-respected journalist and notorious internet troll
Log Lady - retired ballroom dance instructor with clairvoyant log and untreated illness

Apologies:
Russell Brand - 'better things to do, but don't tell Mozzer'
Jesse Tobias - 'visa issues, I miss these meeting and be sad'



Our Mozzer: Typical Russell. Not even bright enough to lie. Let's have Walter Ego on minute-taking duties; it would be a mistake not to take full advantage of Mikey's strategic thinking capabilities when we have a much more suitable candidate for the lesser role of minute-taking among us this afternoon-

Mikey Bracewell: [smiles thinly]

Walter Ego: [licks his lips]

Our Mozzer: Now, first things first. My guests and friends - is the ambience of this little tea room up to your usual standards?

Jonathan Ross: Yes Mozzer - it's lovely, this. Very comfortable, and I love the nibbles!

Mikey Bracewell: I quite agree, Jonathan. Yes, this will do nicely.

Boz Boorer: Oh this is just top drawer, first class-

Our Mozzer: -I was actually asking the famous end of the table, Boz. I realise it's difficult for you, functioning, as you do, as a breakwater between the famous few over here [the artiste points to himself, Wossy and Mikey] and those over yonder [points at the others but makes no eye contact], but do try to focus, old son. At your level it's about being seen and not heard, thrilled at being seated a little closer to this end than to that one. [dismissive wave of the hand] Anyone for a rich tea?

Boz Boorer: [motions to speak, looks sad, rubs his belly]

Jonathan Ross: I'd love a rich tea to dunk in my tea, Mowwissey.

Mikey Bracewell: Don't mind if I do, Morr-ee-say.

TRB: I'd love a rich tea.

Our Mozzer: Did somebody just speak?

TRB: Brilliant parody, truly brilliant. But of course they just won't realise the genius of it all, won't see it, won't comprehend the way you're mocking us only to show you're really not like that at all. It's truly brilliant, Morrissey-

Our Mozzer: -Boz ask those at the other end to remain silent until or unless addressed. All the extraneous noise is getting on the old nerves.

TRB: [smiles and nods, appears thrilled]

Boz Boorer: Yes, sir? I'm right here sir. And I'm going to tell them right now, sir. [stands up looking solemn] Those of you at this end, please understand Morr-ee-say is under intense pressure to save the English pop scene from ruin. We can't disturb him unnecessarily. The non-VIP guests will need to keep schtum-

Our Mozzer: -[mutters]Until or unless I address them [rubs head, sighs]

Boz Boorer: Until or unless [Boz points towards the seminal artiste]

Our Mozzer: -I address them. [rolls eyes, gazes at a photograph of Morrissey circa 1994 in jeans and jacket, which adorns the wall]

Boz Boorer: Until or unless I address them-

Our Mozzer: -Oh for F*CK's sake. Mikey?

TRB: [laughs out loud, snickers and nudges Walter Ego, who scowls]

Mikey Bracewell: [standing up, comforting the artiste] I think what Boz is trying to say is that you should remain unobtrusive until or unless the artiste addresses you-

Our Mozzer: -Thank God for basic literacy.

Mam: [rolls her eyes, continues knitting]

*********an uncomfortable silence permeates the room as the artiste stares at Walter Ego but Walter Ego doesn't notice***********

Our Mozzer: [moves his glassy stare to Mikey Bracewell, grimaces, sticks his tongue in his cheek and looks directly at Walter Ego, who has just looked up]

Mikey Bracewell: Walter, I think the seminal artiste is a tadconcerned by your lack of documentation. You've stopped writing-

Walter Ego: [blinking nervously, rubbing his earlobe] I only stopped when he-

Our Mozzer: [clears his throat]

Walter Ego: -Sorry, I Only stopped when the artiste Morr-ee-say stopped speaking.

Our Mozzer: [rolls his eyes, gazes into the ether]

Mikey Bracewell: I think you'll find that when Morr-ee-say isn't saying anything, he is saying more than many who are speaking.

Our Mozzer: [looks humble, juts out his jaw]

Jonathan Ross: Yes especially when it's Russell Brand that's speaking, Mikey! Agggh..!

Mam: [titters, smiles warmly at Jonathan]

Mikey Bracewell: During a moment like this, one might, for example gaze at the artiste and try to suppose what he might be thinking or perhaps just summarise his mood with a Morrissey solo lyric or-

Our Mozzer: -Years of Refusal lyric, I think you mean, Mikey-

Mikey Bracewell: Yes, a Years of Refusal lyric, or perhaps you might simply document the motion of his fingers or the way the air moves around him, full of whimsy. At this moment, for example, one might gaze upon the artiste and write... Oh I don't know... [gazes at the iconic star's profile]



Mikey Bracewell: As though a day had scarcely passed since 1984, Morr-ee-say's quiff stood resplendent, seeming to bristle with vigor.

Our Mozzer: [looks humble, juts out his jaw]

Boz Boorer: Did you know, Old Mozzer was compared to the poet Larkin by a noted Scottish academic, Mikey?

Mikey Bracewell: [raises his eyebrows and smiles out of narrowing eyes]

Our Mozzer: If I am going to become the new Justin Bieber for a middle aged, middle class and middle brow audience, I'm going to need to get a ruddy, bloody move-on. That b**tard's gaining more followers per hour than I have in total. I'm simply not catching up in the anticipated fashion.

Jonathan Ross: Why not just admit you are MorrisseysWorld, after all, Moz? I'd imagine you'd have more followers than me within a couple of months...

Our Mozzer: Too brazen, too consumerist. No, I don't wish to be a whore about it-

Mikey Bracewell: Would a fifth denial seem a little, you know, incredulous?

Boz Boorer: Does that mean the same as desperate?

Our Mozzer: [laughs, shakes his head] Yes it would seem rather incredulous Mikey, perhaps even desperate, as Boz unwittingly implied...

Mikey Bracewell: Well that's a 'no' then, I imagine Morr-ee-say; we're hardly in 'Maladjusted' territory just yet. You wouldn't want to do anything that could give the entirely misleading impression that you're desperate-

Our Mozzer: -Well, let's not rule anything out just yet.

Boz Boorer: Why don't I deny it, sir? That would attract publicity without making everyone realise just how desperate you are-

Mikey Bracewell: -Steady on there, Boz.

Our Mozzer: Make it so, Boz.



Jonathan Ross: How about [opens his eyes wide and speaks like a talking teddy bear] a celebwity endorsement, Mozzer? [grins inanely]

Our Mozzer: Don't be churlish, Jonathan.

Mikey Bracewell: I just can't fathom the lack of interest, Morr-ee-say. The two symbols of MorrisseysWorld were the white and red rose and you have gone to great lengths only to accept red and white roses for many months since this all began. You've fulfilled all the blog's pledges. You even wore a shirt with a blue rose on it for your birthday. What more could one possibly do?

Our Mozzer: Pop listeners aren't terribly bright, you know - not a lot up top. Perhaps if I were to go classical for an album or two, someone might actually figure out who's behind the blog and twitter thing and, well, propel me to global stardom and an arena tour, perhaps a fly-on-the-wall live documentary film, 25 million twitter followers, if not a duet with Ludacris-

Boz Boorer: Yes but you wouldn't get a date with Selena Gomez, sir. You're too old for her!

Our Mozzer: [slowly licks his upper lip] What did you just say, Martin?

Boz Boorer: Well she's into much younger men, if you know what I mean - nudge, nudge, wink, wink, sir [grins fulsomely] - wouldn't be interested in a man his early-mid 40s, Morr-ee-say... [gives an earnest smile]

Our Mozzer: [sighs restlessly, rubs his brow]

Log Lady: My log wants to speak. My log says: "the strange forces behind this blog which foresaw the white rose would turn red when the blood runs are speaking to me once again-




Our Mozzer: [rolls his eyes, stares out of the window]

Log Lady: They are telling me a blue rose will appear. A long stalk. To audience left. In an Italian city, during a theft. But oh... wait.. oh Morrissey will NOT take this gift. But in the strangest of circumstances he WILL be photographed with a blue rose soon. Yes, the bucket cries. The photograph emerges. People laughing and smiling, a child cries. Lizards, I see lizards. BLUE ROSE WILL BE FULFILLED.


Our Mozzer: [sighs, fiddles with his jacket]

Boz Boorer: Well Log Lady was right about a lot of things, I think her log might be sentient, Mozzer.

TRB: [laughs, looks around at the stony faces, scratches his head]

Our Mozzer: It's not the only useless lump in the room that's been carried for quite a while, Boz... [looks serious]

Mikey Bracewell: [smirks and sips his tea with pinkie extended]

Jonathan Ross: Maybe some more of the old shirt-removal antics would help to give your new media career a bit of a kick, Mozzer. [looks deadpan]

Our Mozzer: You think a more erotic element might bring the frustrated middle class to my blog, Jonathan? It's a fascinating idea. The old frinksters, you know - they're a committed bunch. That particular part of Morrissey-Solo is the only part I can recommend. I don't go there myself, of course, but that frinking thread has provided erotic assistance for quite literally thousands of men and women around the world. This well-maintained old thing [flicks his fingers down his torso] continues to weave its spell in the hearts of many. Boz keeps up to date with my frinking community. How many hits on the frinking thread as of, oh, let's say... right now, Boz?

Boz Boorer: two million, three hundred and forty thousand, five hundred and two, sir. [blinks a bit]

Our Mozzer: Are you quite sure, Boz? I could have sworn Julia said we'd gone through the two million four hundred thousand mark a week ago...? [looks suspicious, eyes close slightly]

Boz Boorer: [looks at the floor, lifts his toe off the floor and moves it around in a circle] Well sir, maybe I got confused with me numbers, sir. I've never been much cop with the old arithmetic, sir.

Our Mozzer: What was the number you gave me a moment ago, Boz? Quick Boz - no dilly-dallying!

Boz Boorer: [looks worried, goes red, puffs out his cheeks] Well, sir, errrrm-

Our Mozzer: -Boz this won't do. How can I trust you to play guitar, perform competently as a semi-professional drag artist and of course butler for me when I can't even trust you to keep abreast of my frinking statistics? I don't expect linear regression analysis or p-values old son, but a simple figure would be terribly helpful. Some record company executive or other might ask for proof of one's extraordinary enduring appeal; how useful could a few accurate and current frinking figures prove to be? Boz this is a serious business. You'll need to up your game if you want your contract renewed this summer- [surveys the room]

[the artiste snaps his fingers loudly]

********Solomon Walker enters the room in swimwear, carrying a tray**********

Solomon Walker: Permission to speak, sir.

Our Mozzer: Granted.

Solomon Walker: Shop-warm Co-Op pain-au-raisin, sir...



Our Mozzer: Thank you, Matt.

Mikey Bracewell: You spoil us Morr-ee-say [picking up one of the pastries]. Now back to this eroticism. I do think it might work, Morr-ee-say - perhaps a few pictures of shirtless exclusively male pop stars whom people of both genders find unmistakably attractive...

Our Mozzer: Of all genders.

Mikey Bracewell: Yes indeed.

Boz Boorer: Yes, like Fazer from N-Dubz, and Robbie Williams, and Justin Bieber, and Shiva from The Wanted, and Fazer from N-Dubs, and 50 Cent, and Fazer from N-Dubz, and Will Young-

Our Mozzer: [glowers at Boz Boorer]

Boz Boorer: -Did I say Will Young? I meant Paul Young, sir...

Our Mozzer: I'm not opposed. Let's try it. Lots of shirtless males. Let's up the ante...

Boz Boorer: But more shirtless pics of you than the other less iconic singers of course, sir.

Our Mozzer: The frinksters wouldn't have it any other way...

Jonathan Ross: I'm man enough to admit my wife's a registered frinkster! [laughs boyishly]

Our Mozzer: [looks through Wossy then smirks and taps his fingers on the table]

Mikey Bracewell: Would you like the flesh just gratuitously featured, Morr-ee-say?

Our Mozzer: Absolutely - it all adds to that enigmatic otherness factor. Shows this old warrior still has what it takes. Shows Kitty Empire was right - the old body can measure up under the tightest scrutiny, in the rarefied air of this pop industry I find myself trapped in- [the artist emphasises the 'p' of trapped, sighs and then gazes into space, hand on chin with a plaintive look and lips parted]

Mikey Bracewell: So just lots of shirtless pics for your fans to view with some other similarly attractive but less appealing male singers interwoven?

Our Mozzer: Yes. My guess is that viewing figures will simply go through the roof. People won't be able to stay away. Just create a new thread called Morrissey's Frinking Community.

Boz Boorer: Very clever, sir. You might be able to steal the so-low traffic-

Our Mozzer: [raising an eyebrow] Very good, Boz. Perhaps Walter Ego can post links around the so-low place and some fraudulent links, which look like so-low links but when you click them... [points at himself, nodding arrogantly]

Walter Ego: [nods, looks bewildered, licks his nose]

Mikey Bracewell: Yes I'll list the MorrisseysWorld email address and we'll update the frinking section regularly, perhaps make it a regular feature whereby frinksters can submit shirtless pictures of Morr-ee-say and lesser male singers to Morrissey1959@hotmail.co.uk and we can arrange them into a coherent piece of art - something entirely post-modern.

Our Mozzer: For erotic assistance purposes, of course-

Mikey Bracewell: Principally yes, but going beyond that and transforming the piece into an ironic commentary on male beauty itself.

TRB: Brilliant! Brilliant!

Our Mozzer: [strokes his chin] Just who are you again?

TRB: I'm The Rat from FollowingTheMozziah, Morr-ee-say![laughs, gazes around the room]

Our Mozzer: Well that was a poor choice of words, old son. Brilliant? No. Mesmerising? Yes. Which university did you attend again?

TRB: University of life, department of pop music!

Our Mozzer: Oh - the Rat - are you the one who posts all those anonymous messages on my blog thing to create the misleading impression that there are actually people genuinely interested in the whole MorrisseysWorld phenomenon?

TRB: How did you know that?

Our Mozzer: That's not important. What is important is that you register a few more - lovestruck young women and men, desperate to see more of this well-kept torso.

TRB: [laughing] Very good, Morr-ee-say!

Our Mozzer: With all these shirtless pics of myself and lesser sex symbols, I want at least three hundred comments. Anything less would be an abject failure. Can it be done?

TRB: [nods} Oh yes Morrissey - I'll help you out, old son!

Walter Ego: [frowns, picks his nose]

Jonathan Ross: Count me in, Mozzer! I'll email Wussell Bwand too, see if we can't wope him in.

Our Mozzer: The Blue Rose Society hash tag on twitter was a good idea too, Mam - twitter nobodies will be clambering to know more about the fascinating secrets of the society and ought, as natural as rain, to be drawn towards my blog thing.

Mam: Your green carnation, Steven. By the way, Supermarket Sweep will be on soon on Sky-

Our Mozzer: -Say no more.

Mikey Bracewell: Is it too early to divulge the secret of the Blue Rose Society, Morr-ee-say?

Our Mozzer: [forms a ring with his thumb and finger and puts his other three fingers in the air] The time is almost upon us, Mikey. My World is coming slowly into view-





<


And now for that visit of Our Mozzer's to The Wrong Arms. He first appeared at lunchtime today, and posted the following tweets:

"Are you all awake? I sense a prediction."

"After careful consideration I would like to ban the following people/accounts, from bringing roses to my concerts.
1. Mike Joyce
2. @TheRatsBack"

What a cunt! Earlier in the morning, I had taken delivery of a box of top(ish) quality 'artificial silk foam roses', and had posted a photo of them. OM had obviously seen it.




It is also another blow to poor old Joyce, who only two weeks ago suffered the humiliation of having a Smiths fan tell him that the guy on stage performing with the Last Shadow Puppets during Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me, was Johnny Marr. The fan had NO IDEA who Joyce was. Joyce is the forgotten man of 80s indie pop.

Our Mozzer appeared again after lunch and really went to town, with poor Marcus the Greek getting both barrels... and some! In reply to me asking if Nobody Loves Us would be played on the upcoming tour, I received a simple, "No." Oh well.

OM decided to add @PapaSonsFilm to the list of those banned from bringing roses. When I pointed out that Marcus was just a BRS bit-player who hadn't actually taken a rose since 2012, OM added, "and to make matters worse he was ardently pro-EU." Marcus tried to ridiculously argue that Brexit was the work of the Rothschild family, to which OM replied, "oh do shut up you inescapable bore", and then added, "cry baby. Haven't you got a film to pretend to write or a child to rear?" Ouch!.... God, it's good to have him back!

Poor Marcus failed to realise that he was beaten, and tried to fight back, but OM was on top form, and in this mood was always going to be too good a match for anyone, let alone a one-flop wonder film director. OM laid further into Marcus by saying, "You post incessant nonsense that just appears everywhere. Unlike your film", before then adding, "I would urge you to let the talent out but I don't like to give false hope." Double Ouch!

Marcus finally realised that he was defeated, and whimpered, "hurt people hurt people", to which OM replied, "is that why you released a film? I'd rather watch the life story of Mike Joyce where Joyce is played by Marr." Marcus was crushed, and replied that, "art is a passion", to which OM cruelly taunted, "Well when you produce something with passion instead of a five minute hatchet job...". Triple ouch!

Poor Marcus kept trying to come back, but each time he was dumped back on the canvas. When Marcus told OM that he was in need of love, OM hit him with, "and you are in need of talent. Love is easy to find. Talent doesn't spring from taps." It was starting to become Wilde-esque, and there was plenty more to come. I won't bother with Marcus's comments, but here are some of OM's put downs:

"I did put your film on but swiftly fell into a slumber. Still at least I didn't need the pills that night."

"I think you're confused. Or just simple. I'll go with simple. Intellect of a newt. Or Cheryl Cole."

"Oh you have a degree and that makes you entitled to an opinion? The establishment rules the minds."

"It has been like talking to Michael Bay. Now sod off and touch yourself over the EU flag."

"Oscar had genuine wit to talk to. I just have you, you dilettante."

"The only thing you intrigue is my itch to be a murderer."

"I would pound at your central zone but you don't look like you've washed in seven years"

"Oh the ineptitude of the small minded and barren hearted"

"Updated List of the Atrocious
1. @PapaSonsFilm
2. Anyone following @PapasonsFilm
3. Mike Joyce
4. @TheRatsBack"

There was even more mocking of Marcus, but I am running out of time to write anymore, as I have a cricket match to go and play in. In the end, Marcus ended up accusing me of being OM. I took it as a compliment. Poor Marcus.

In response to me tweeting that I would soon be publishing a MorrisseysWorld classic, OM tweeted, "All writing from the MW blog is my own intellectual property and should not be republished anywhere or I shall get the lawyers involved." Pah!

When I mentioned that I was wetting myself with laughter, LizzyCat suggested man-sized nappies, to which OM replied, "there is nothing mansized about rat. Hair of new born baby and the genitals of one."

When Boy George tweeted that a Culture Club tour with The Smiths would be the hottest ticket it town, OM replied, "keep dreaming you hat wearing hack." George replied, "I'd send you a shit sandwich but I know you hate bread!", to which OM retorted, "so you'd send me your last album? I've no space dear." Ouchity ouch!

OM signed off by tweeting, "Broken has been seen, He was dictating a meaningless parody to some admin bods earlier. With no where to publish...Why bother?" Eyes now peeled on this blog of mine.

Also appearing in The Wrong Arms yesterday, was the tweeter, @MundaneGlamour. I first mentioned MG when she/he first arrived on January 2nd this year. I spent a few days pondering as to whether or not MG was a Morrissey pessoa. Kerry the Cocktail and MerryAnne were convinced it was, but I dismissed it as a fake. As soon as the account disappeared, Mademoiselle Fifi suddenly appeared, which then made me think I had probably been wrong. I don't have the time to report on MG's tweets now, but I have a feeling that I will be blogging quite a lot from here on in.

16 comments:

  1. oh lordy, I'm beginning to miss twit already, cant wait for Bergen to kick it all off, still I await another USA date "cough cough" p s thank goodness I never appeared in that article, being labelled the town drunk has taken its toll on my poor shredded nerves.. until we meet in the USA, I sincerely hope not riot fest, drunken yanks can get quite loud with their whooping and hollering and last time I was there they were in overdrive.. have fun in Bergen colonel whiskers

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think it's fair to say that OM has returned with a bang.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Broken has been spotted dictating a new parody be still my fluttering heart...
    Why not post it on the humble BRS tumblr if there's no where else to go ?

    ReplyDelete
  4. What a day it's been! With OM's spirited return and a MW parody to read here, it has almost felt like the old days again. "I think you'll find that when Morr-ee-say isn't saying anything, he is saying more than many who are speaking" - this remains one of my favorite lines from this hilarious parody.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am overjoyed that OM returned to Twitter yesterday and today, even if I am one of the atrocious. I am actually a proud atrocity. This has always been so. That said, I can only pray to the Mozziah that he, himself will come to the atrocious USA and play a show or shows in and near the gutter that is New York Shitty. This is my only hope in a life of relentless hopelessness and atrocity. I want Moz in the flesh as well as on Twitter with the Twit-nits. As I have noted in the past, I am greedy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hello. Testing, 1, 2, 3.

    ReplyDelete
  7. But who is counting comments anyway? Oh wait . . .

    ReplyDelete
  8. Excellent photoshop of Solomon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's one of my personal favorites.

      Delete
  9. Oh my! Artificial silk FOAM roses. You may have to weigh those down with something if you are aiming to get them on the stage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ha once again detective GWO comes through when needed

      Delete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. 1. If you think the tedious pathetic and predictable twat that is BRS chairman is Moz you are all fucking nuts.
    2. Arse-licking the troll shows what a bunch of tiresome bores you are. Holding the bully's coat. Cowards.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. Yes, yes, yes, we've heard it all a thousand times before.
      2. I have 5 years with of blog matter that shows otherwise, what have you got apart from two sentences of nothing but anger and disappointment. Grasping at thin air. Cunt.

      Delete

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