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Friday, 23 December 2016

Day 2026 - The journey continues

Despite Our Mozzer tweeting on Wednesday that, "the journey is no longer a journey. It's over. Death", two new articles were published on the True Morrissey blog yesterday; the first entitled Sugar Daddy, and the second, False Victimhood.

As the moody blogger has 'previous' for deleting blogs, here for the record are the two articles:

Sugar Daddy

As I have conquered and dominated the musical and cultural landscape in Britain and worldwide for decades with my iconic eyebrows, majestic jaw, above average torso and Wildean wit. I have decided it is time to move into a declining entertainment medium, television. Now, some people may think that it is a strange move for such a mesmerising human to lower himself to the cultural nadir that is television. But I truly believe I can reverse the fortunes of this once great cultural vehicle, much like I reversed the fortunes of the ailing Brookside soap opera, and single-handedly kept the show on the air for as long as it was with one historic appearance on South.  Whilst it is true that television produces loneliness and is the methadone metronome, there are occasions of brilliance. I for one cannot wait for the latest instalment of Danny Dyer’s hard hitting social commentary documentary called EastEnders.


Having decided on taking over television screens across Britain, Boz and I sat down to discuss my various options. Boz suggested I apply to become a contestant on Countdown due to my Scrabble proficiency. I could not bring myself to admit that I replace my Z’s with blanks whilst he tries to construct a word on the board. We then discussed an appearance on Dragons Den, but Boz alerted me to the fact that enigmatic otherness is not really an invention or a business model. I acquiesced but only because I refuse to stand in front of Deborah Meaden, as her face resembles butter spread over the knee of the last place entrant into the Blackpool bi-annual knobbly knees competition.  Also, I have observed them only once invest enough money to make my appearance worthwhile. I do not just show up on any old show.  I could perhaps replace Mary Berry on the Great British Bake Off, but again I refuse to stand next to Paul Hollywood whose forehead wrinkles surely hide crumbs from cakes polished off years ago. Has he never heard of Botox?  It has kept a certain guitarist free of wrinkles for years.


Deborah Meaden at her most dashing.


It was then I recalled the first computer I owned and the keyboard that collected with startling regularity the crumbs from my plum jam on toast. It had a terrible memory, a terrible sound, took too long to get going and was falling apart, it always used to remind me of someone but I’m not too sure who.  It dawned on me that the owner of the company was a certain Alan Sugar who I am led to believe is a television personality these days. If ever we needed a reason to believe we live in terrifying times it is the fact that Alan Sugar is described as having a personality, let alone one suitable for television. Boz told me that the show is called The Apprentice and all you need is a business idea. Having already told me that enigmatic otherness was not a business plan I looked at Boz strangely. Boz, fearing my wrath, told me that the prize was £250,000. I nearly fell off his back. My innate genius clicked into action and I do believe I am the winner of The Apprentice 2017.  Here is my application/winners form.

BUSINESS PLAN

A instant hit album, number 1 guaranteed unless Ed Sheeran releases an album at the same time, with the entire music industry against me, and little or no radio airplay, I would say it’s almost a certainty. A nationwide 6 date U.K. tour, well I don’t want to work too hard but don’t let that put you off.

**Morrissey's note: Mr Sugar, I refuse to call him Lord, must realise that the opportunity to work with an artiste of my standing and magnitude will do wonders for his reputation, just ask the *M* who knew that criticising me will produce internet hits, oh what I wouldn’t give for any kind of hit.

The money will be spent on the following:

£50,000 on hotel expenses. I must stay at least 20 miles from where I am recording to maintain a professional distance.

£20,000 on a studio. There must be at least eight pictures of oneself hanging from the walls. Nothing excessive.

£12,000 on my Beat the Street tour bus. Comfort comes at a price, just ask Karren Brady who has spent no money on comfort ever. She walks as if she wears cardboard suits.

£8,000 on creative juices. Champagne and Vodka mainly, perhaps a beer or two but I should see how the reflux is before I commit to that.

£1,000 on an album producer. Although we could find a willing art school student who will complete this task under the guise of ‘experience’. My albums do not need to be produced, but slowly nurtured. 

You will see that this only eats into £91,000 of the winner’s prize. The remaining monies will be divided amongst the following expenses.

I have musicians, friends, associates, staff, underlings who will need to be paid. They are as follows:

Boz Boorer - £2,500
Jesse Tobias - £2,000 + signed copy of Years of Refusal
Gustavo Manzur - £1,500 + Morrissey cook book
Matt Walker - £1,000 + childcare vouchers
Gary Day - 2 Coronas

These necessary expenditures leaves £152,000 left over. This will be spent as follows:

£52,000 – Lawyers fees
£100,000 – My appearance fee


PERSONAL DETAILS

First name: 

Last name: Morrissey

Date of birth:  14.03.1988. I know I don’t look a day over 21, remarkable really with all the stress I’ve had to endure. Not to mention the knock-backs, Justin Bieber never responded to my request to be his support act. Perhaps that Louis Tomlinson will need a seminal support act for his upcoming tour? Once he’s stopped exploiting the death of his mother for commercial gain. Perhaps I could pull the same trick? Although there could possibly be murder if there is no aubergine for Christmas lunch. 

Gender:   I have not checked my gender in years.

What do you do for a living, and who for?  I produce art. I am art. For arts sake.

State all qualifications, giving details of establishments attended:

Linguistic intercourse -   Manchester Central Library - Distinction
Enigmatic otherness – Living room, hotel room, stage - Distinction
Twitter star – Pass
Modern Day Oscar -  Ungraded, personal opinion, validated online
Establishment pariah -  Court Rooms -  Double Distinction 

Current salary:  Ask the Drummer.


ABOUT YOU

Have you ever applied for or have you ever appeared on TV before: I cannot recall a time where I was not constantly appearing on TV somewhere. I am a global phenomenon. Television appearances have slowed down recently, but I sit waiting for the phone to ring so I can finally fulfill my lifelong ambition of sitting next to Coleen Nolan and appearing live on Loose Women. 

Have you or a relative ever worked for the BBC, Freemantle Media Ltd, Boundless, Euston Films, Newman Street, Retort, Shotglass Media, Talkback or Thames in any capacity before: Not that I am aware, but if my nephew’s talent on photoshop is ever recognised for the modern day Picasso that I believe he is, then it’s possible he will be the creative director of all the above listed companies. Please see artwork on my own personal website.

Have you ever worked in journalism or broadcasting in any capacity? Yes. Two life changing books published before international pop stardom. One bestselling Penguin Classic autobiography and one cult classic novel, which in years to come will be compared to James Joyce. 

Why should you be Lord Sugar's business partner? The question should be why should I be Mr Sugar’s business partner? I await his postcard. 

What makes you different from everyone else applying? The other applicants will be as interesting as irritable bowel syndrome and twice as annoying. 

What is the most interesting thing about you? My eyebrows and a not dissimilar appearance to Popeye. 

What's the most impressive thing you've ever done in business? Turning depression, waspish wit, and a disastrous dress sense into art.  This is above charging £79 for a concert with the same set list as the previous 148 concerts. Alan surely knows not to change a format that works.

How did you hear about the process? Is there a process? Surely you can transfer the £250,000 to my bank account now?  Please make sure to call this payment ‘Pools win’ otherwise the Drummer can claim it all. 

Here is the second piece:


False Victimhood

The world is scattered with people who laugh in public and cry in private. Those that are truly depressed and realise there is no hope in life somehow manage to produce a public mask to hide their true feelings.  It's those who are truly depressed, those who, in the quiet alone times with no one watching, grieve their own fears in private. The world however is also littered with certain people who laugh in private and cry in public. These people paint themselves as the perpetual victim whereas in reality they are the villains of those who truly suffer.  Proper victims are thought to be pure and deserving of our sympathy and this is something I believe. Those who are victims deserve every ounce of compassion possible.  Compassion is arguably the trait that is the signal of a moral good. Therefore we wish to show compassion to prove what outstanding humans we are. However, we that show compassion are being duped by those who claim to suffer, not in order to receive compassion, but attention. We see it all around.  

Those who complain about work online but still manage to attend and for what? Money? No, for something to complain about online when they return home. For what? Attention.  Those who pretend to feel angry when they see various acts of animal cruelty but still tuck into their turkey dinosaurs and partake in the holocaust-like animal slaughter industry. True depression and true sadness is the look in the eyes of a cow when it sees what blood-lusting humans believe it was born for.  They say they do not want to bring a child into a world full of meanness and barbarity which is clearly a disguise for the fact that they are terminally alone because no other human could find their dirge of a personality attractive. They say that people do not understand them but how could they possibly? There is nothing to understand. 

They constantly cry “poor me, nobody can understand my woes” as if they are the first person in all of existence to experience life.  It is in this instant gratification world we currently live in that is to blame. The false victim can instantly receive validation online and therefore attention.  These people are those who had a comfortable upbringing, all of the good things in life and never had to struggle. They fail to reconcile their current life with the life that was promised to them. So they search the validation of strangers but because they have lived a sheltered life they have no accomplishments or no personality. They use depression for their own means.  We can all play the victim however only some of us are. 

The True Morrissey blog has also reinstated the Musings of the Corrupt Mind piece, and Cooking made iconic. The blog also also now lists the two pieces that had formerly been posted on the now defunct MorrisseysWord blog: Too Much of a Saga and Let your juvenile impulses sway. The journey would appear to be well and truly back on.

Our Mozzer even took to Twitter to announce the publication of the two new pieces; first announcing Sugar Daddy by tweeting, "A new and previously unseen blog post from my mesmerising mind is afoot. Keep abreast." and later announcing, "A new blog post that has been written between the last post and now will shortly be uploaded. My advice would be not to play the victim." 

OM also tweeted a message to BRS member Heather (@heathercat222), saying, "for noticing the links of death I have followed you. Intelligence is to be rewarded. In these times I thank you." OM is now following three people on Twitter, with the other two being Stephen Fry and BRS member, Harison (@OdysseyNumber5). The "links of death" tweet is a reference to Heather's comment left on FTM on Wednesday, in which she observed that, "the mention of death in the TTY title reminded me of OM's tweet that mentioned death, but it was probably just wishful thinking on my part that death might not be the final word in our journey." It would appear that it wasn't just wishful thinking on Heather's part, and we now know why that random TTY article was posted.

OM's final tweet of yesterday, which was posted at 7.51pm, was, "Let us pause for reflection". I have no idea what this means, if indeed there is a meaning.

Mademoiselle Fifi has also made a visit to The Wrong Arms, posting a photo on Wednesday evening of Jean Cocteau with actress, Michèle Morgan, who died on Tuesday at the age of 96.

Image result for michele morgan cocteau

And now, as I have been told that I am no longer part of the journey, I shall, for the time being at least, take down this entry; along with the rest of my "embarrassment" of a blog....well, perhaps I'll leave up the odd classic. Future FTM entries will be for my own personal gratification - I am no longer a supplier.

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