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Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Day 2205 - The fastest plumber in Manchester

As I lay in the communal garden of my bedsit on Sunday morning topping-up my rather wonderful 'Summer '17 tan' whilst listening to Hatful of Hollow, it suddenly occurred to me that Morrissey could greatly benefit from letting me listen to the songs on his new LP, so that I could give him my honest critique. I therefore dropped him a short message via Twitter's Direct Messaging service asking him to email me the songs "without delay".
Image result for hairy back sunbathing

Twelve hours later, as I wrapped-up my sunbathing session for the day, it suddenly occurred to me how naive I had been in making such a request to Morrissey - I just hadn't thought through the consequences. What if I got sent the songs, and then someone somewhere leaked the album onto the internet. Who would get the blame? That's right, yours truly. I grabbed my phone and sent another message to say that I had changed my mind, and requested Monsieur Morrissey not to send the songs after all.

At 1.40am (Rome time) on Monday morning, I received the following reply:

"I was not going to. But now you have requested not to, I just may."
Related image

This morning, at 2.13am (Rome time), I received another message as follows:

Track listing

1. Barbed wire is no cure for the truth

2. Drummers and accountants

3. Loathsome lawyers and lonely litigants

4. Mud slinging names stick like frost

5. Picking roses from the dozens

6. The fastest plumber in Manchester

7. Derma filler is no excuse for looking like that

8. Thump the table

9. Bed of distrust

10. Judy was a drunk

11. Intolerance of liberalism

12. There is no twelve 

Bonus track

Hair loss is nothing to be snipped at

The original track three was listed as 'Lonely lawyers and loathsome litigants', but I received a follow-up message saying, "Edit track 3. Should be loathsome lawyers and lonely litigants'." - Even when making up a parody track list, the man is a perfectionist!
Image result for morrissey pained


  1. Can not stop laughing....
    Thank you dearest ������

  2. And a nice nod to yourself there in "12. There is no twelve". I am a little concerned by "2. Drummers and accountants" as this seems to cover at least two aspects of my complex life. Am I about to be immortalised? Should I be concerned? Do I need to consult with my loathsome lawyer?

    1. I think that you may be onto something. Could it be that in amongst all the parody & nonsense, OM is telling us that his 11th solo studio album will have eleven tracks? "There is no twelve".

  3. 1) Sailors and Tailors
    2) Love Blinds from Imperfections
    3) Non-Negotiable Possibilities
    4) Stoned and Alone
    5) Dying and Yet Somehow Still Laughing
    6) Grain of Sand and Impoverished Hands
    7) Vanity of Nothingness
    8) Tried Love (In Order to Become a Man)
    9) Wet Slippery Slopes of Hope
    10) The Test of Naked Male Flesh
    11) Potent Sneer
    12) Latent Fear
    13) Lames Cries, Emaciated Lies
    14) Last of a Foul Brood
    15) The First Shall Be The Last and The Last Shall Be The First

    Additional Bonus Material
    1) The Lament of Dawn
    2) Standing Foot to Foot with Fate and Smiling
    3) No Human Sound
    4) You Promised Something You Could Not Deliver
    5) Wasted Years Tasting Tears

    DVD Extra of Dawn Mist reading A.E.Houseman

    1. It's incredible how you just reel off song titles from the top of your head, and there really are some rather good ones. It makes one wonder how such a genius also came up with Tony the f***ing Pony!

    2. Stoned and alone!
      This must be a song about me. Thank you dearest one.

  4. Let me have a go:

    1. Write the wrong
    2. No room for improvement
    3. He who brakes last, brakes hard
    4. Lying lesbians
    5. Truckers and bandits
    6. Try first ask later
    7. Live, lie and fly
    8. Time tester
    9. Dear Joan
    10. Cholesterol killer
    11. One in the oven is worth two in the gland

    Yeah, it's easy.

    1. OM has instructed me to inform you that he is howling at your incompetence. Both at song titles and your journalistic endeavours.

      Each man reaps what he sows and you have sowed sh*t.

    2. Hmm, I'm not the one who has to come up with a new masterpiece. Let's hope the old codger hasn't lost it when it comes to real titles and real songs. The world is watching.

    3. OM does not consider the population of Runcorn as the world.

    4. Bonus track
      Runcorn, can you wait?

    5. It is not easy. One must be clever enough. Sorry.

  5. 1. Howling at incompetence
    2. You sew shit
    3. Watching world
    4. (Better late) to make mistakes
    5. Tribe
    6. Great ex-pat stations
    7. Crying out (for more)
    8. Dance it down
    9. Freezer Clay
    10. The Wrong Arms
    11. Wielded away

  6. The BRS/FTM concept album:
    1. Man with a limp
    2. Irrational females
    3. Blue rose? Who knows?
    4. Your kind is kind
    5. Look at me, look at me, look at me
    6. Dirty rat
    7. Bristol rover
    8. Face down on the bar
    9. Germ
    10. You saw through

  7. 1) Entitled

    2) When Three Buses Came At The Same Time, I Got On The Third

    3) My Raven Won't Talk To Me

    4) You Bitchin', We Itchin'

    5) I Am A Cockspur (on the Tarsometatarsus of the Chicken in the Sacrificial Pit of the Temple of Your Love)

    6) I Finished Something I Couldn't Have Started

    (all of these songs are very, very long)

    1. Mention of Runcorn, and up you pop. Haven't seen you in these parts for a while.

    2. Lyrics available by bequest.

      Special bonus track:

      America Is Not The World, Nor Is Runcorn, In Fact Even Runcorn Plus America Would Equate To No More Than About 4.5% Of The World's Population (And Runcorn Is A Tiny Part Of That)

  8. Smiler would not have seen light of day, Monsieur Rats, if you had been given a peek preview of WPINOYB.

  9. Well instead of rambling, I will quickly give it the "old college try" before I go to bed. Here's my list:

    1. Please please rub me the wrong way
    2. Humble vegan pie
    3. Go cold turkey with me (baby)
    4. Kick the bucket down the isle
    5. Saved by the bell (but still breathing )
    6. The wrong side of the bed
    7. Give the cold shoulder to me fatty
    8. Salt in my wounds
    9. Karma is a bitch (then you marry one)
    10. You know what I mean when I don't know what I mean
    11. Taste of your own medicine
    12. Black cloud silver lining
    13. Broke the last straw
    14. You were good in the sack
    15. Not all hairpieces are equal
    Bonus track :
    **Dont milk the cows , Peta (doo wop doo wop)

    Obviously, I am not a writer , you don't need to tell me , message received . Goodnight everyone !

    1. Loved these too. Especially Go the cold turkey with me (baby).

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