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Friday, 20 October 2017

Day 2327 - Reviewing the situation (Part 1)

The setting is a bar, somewhere in LA. Present are Jesse Tobias (Guitarist), Martin 'Boz' Boorer (Musician, second-hand record shop owner and wine maker), Michael Bracewell (former novelist), Gustavo Manzur (multi talented musician), Mando Lopez (bass player), Matthew Walker (drummer) and Morrissey. It is present day.

Morrissey is gazing out the window. Bracewell is flicking through a magazine, and has other magazines and newspapers on the table in front of him. The others are supping their pints of lager.

MORRISSEY: Mikey, read that review to me again.

BRACEWELL: Which one?

MORRISSEY: The one that starts with the heading, "Sham 69 meets David Icke!". Obviously what it should read is, 'The Ramones meet David Lynch', but one has long since given up on the English music press.

BRACEWELL: Why do you want to hear it again? We've already concluded that the whole review is a waste of ink and paper.

MORRISSEY: You know why, Mikey, you know why.

Boz Boorer sinks the remains of his pint, wipes his chin, and burps. Morrissey looks towards Bracewell, screwing his face up in disgust.

BOZ: Right then, I'm ready for another? Whose round is it?

MANDO: I think it must be mine.

BOZ: Good man. I'll give you a hand.

GUSTAVO: I'll help too.

MATT WALKER: I'm going to the John.

Boorer, Lopez and Manzur head to the bar. Walker heads to the toilet.

Bracewell fingers through the magazines until he finds Uncut. He opens it and flicks through to find the review of Low In High School by Stephen TrouseƩ.

BRACEWELL: Here we are. Do you want me to read it all?

MORRISSEY: I'll leave the editing to you, although the last time I did that was with my autobiography, and we all know what happened there.

BRACEWELL: Autobiography was, is, a very successful seller.

MORRISSEY: Thanks to the content, Mikey, thanks to the content, not the editing. I'm still not convinced you ever even read it through. Anyway, let's be having that review.

JESSE: I think I shall go and help the boys weeth the dreenks.

MORRISSEY: I'm sure the three of them can manage.

JESSE: Then, I shall go and 'ave a kweek smoke.

MORRISSEY: You've just had one. You should listen to this review, it's not just about me you know.

JESSE: But you 'ave already 'ad Mr Bracewheel read it half a dozen of the times already. I don't really want to 'ear eet for a seventh time. Eeet eeze a shit review that says I chugged. I 'ave never chugged in my life. The man who wrote this review eez retarded.

MORRISSEY: I wouldn't go using words like that if I were you, old son, the luvvie press will hang you out to dry, although of course, the ordinary man in the street, like you, are still free to say what you like, it's only A listers like myself and, and, er.... (turns to Bracewell) what other A listers are there like me?

BRACEWELL: There is nobody like you, Morr-ee-say.

MORRISSEY: Quite. Jesse, if I were to refer to someone as a retard, even if they were in fact a retard, then the press would have me walking the plank. I can't even offer up surprise at an election result these days without chastisement. How I dream of being able to refer to someone as a retard.

BRACEWELL: I don't think you've ever let the views of the press hold you back before, Morr-ee-say.

MORRISSEY: You'd be surprised, Mikey. I'm actually very restrained. Shall we get on with the reading of the will?

BRACEWELL: Eh? Oh, er, yes, ok. Headline - "Sham 69 meets David Icke! The work of an artist in blinkered decline"-

MORRISSEY: - if the definition of decline is coming up with an album that is set to storm into the Top 3; my fifth top three in a row, then I hate to think what old pencil case thinks is happening to the career of Podgy Williams. What is more, how many seats would Williams sell in Portland, Phoenix or Denver? And as for blinkered, my eyes have never been more wide open. Cunt. Carry on.

BRACEWELL: ""By not dying young, Morrissey robbed the world of a great artist." One tweet in the aftermath of the latest outrage - noting the failure of UKIP to elect Anne Marie Waters as leader - captured the feeling of a generation of betrayed fans. If only he had been struck down, you sense the devout wish", blah blah blah-

MORRISSEY: Ah, the editing has kicked in.

BRACEWELL: "the legacy would be untarnished and he might be fixed in the same iconic aspic as Ian Curtis."

JESSE: What is an ass pick? Is this journaleest saying that Eon Curteese would pick 'is ass? I do not understand what is iconeak about someone who picked their ass.

BRACEWELL: An aspic is actually a jelly made from meat stock, which in turn makes it a quite ridiculous word to have used.

MORRISSEY: Curtis was a jellied lump of meat, so perhaps not quite so ridiculous after all, but if having an untarnished legacy means being on the same level as a man who is remembered for just one song, then tar me, tar me, tar me. Carry on, Mikey.

BRACEWELL: "Truth is, Morrissey's career has been all about sailing too close to the wind, a long provocative courtship of offence."-

MORRISSEY: -a courtship of offence or a courtship of truth?

The band members return with the drinks

BOZ: The only sailing close to the wind I know about, is when we're in the tour bus after a night on the curry. Have you got to 'I Wish You Lonely' yet? I believe I'm described as sounding great. In fact, I quite liked this reviewer.

(To be continued)


  1. funny as something along those lines actually go on, I think I would have joined Boz with a trip to the bar, loving Jesse and his kweek smoke

  2. yep meant to say goes on.. as ever..

  3. Cheers Rats. Good old Boz!
    I was also tickled by Jesse going for a "kweek smoke"

  4. A very delightful part 1. Here are a couple of quotes about critics: "Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." Brendan Behan. "These critics with the illusions they've created - it's like idol worship. They only like people when they're on their way up... I cannot be on the way up again." John Lennon.

  5. Thanks, Ratty - it's been far too long since we've had a new parody around here. Looking forward to part 2.


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