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Saturday, 21 October 2017

Day 2328 - Reviewing the Situation (Part 2)

The setting is a bar, somewhere in LA. Present are Jesse Tobias (Guitarist), Martin 'Boz' Boorer (Musician, second-hand record shop owner and wine maker), Michael Bracewell (former novelist), Gustavo Manzur (multi talented musician), Mando Lopez (bass player), and Morrissey. Matthew Walker (drummer) is in the toilet. It is present day.

Michael Bracewell is reading a review written by Stephen Troussé for Uncut magazine

BRACEWELL: "From the very start he was putting a laugh on a song about the Moors Murderers, singing about molesting students, celebrating 13 year old cop killers and lamenting the failure of the IRA to assassinate Thatcher"-

MORRISSEY: -You could have edited all of that out, Mikey, move on to the section after Mr Pencil dick mentions my, "vile politics". It never ceases to amaze me how these people think my political views are vile. I hated Thatcher, just like everyone else, I hate Trump, just like everyone else, I despised the pig-fucker, Cameron, just like everyone else.... where is the vileness? Where? Everyone knows that I don't vote, and I also never give my backing to politicians....although actually, now I come to think of it, I have mentioned in recent years that I have an admiration for Corbyn and Sanders. This man Troussé is obviously a Daily Mail reader. Let's move on, Mikey.

BRACEWELL: "Listening to Low In High School, his first record since he broke his own land speed record for alienating labels with 2014's abortive World Peace Is None Of Your Business (Morrissey rolls his eyes), you wonder if the bilious rhetoric becomes more emphatic as his artistic power wanes"-

MORRISSEY: -What would this cunt know of artistic power? His autistic power grows by the sentence. Carry on.

BRACEWELL: "Whilst that earlier LP showed renewed gallows intensity, this is in many ways his weakest since Kill Uncle."

MORRISSEY: He's all over the place. He starts off by saying my career is in decline, and yet he seems to have liked World Peace.

BOZ: He gave World Peace eight out of ten. He loved it. I guess he must mean that your career has been in decline since then.

MORRISSEY: My career is your career, lest you forget that, Boz old son. If I go down, you're coming down with me.

JESSE: But there has bean no album seence World Piss, so how can the career be in this decline that he mentions? We 'ave been selling out concert halls all over the world.

MORRISSEY: "We?" I think you'll find it's my name on the posters.

JESSE: Yes, yes, forgive my, how you say, insulin.

MANDO: This reviewer knows nothing, I should have his house razored to the ground. I know people who will do this, Morr-ee-say, just say the word and this bastard will be 'istory.

MORRISSEY: It's a thought. Perhaps we could have your friends give Joyce's pre-fab a visit too.

MANDO: I shall get on the phone right now.

BRACEWELL: I believe Morr-ee-say is just joshing, Mando. Shall I carry on with this review.

Morrissey licks his lips, and nods

BRACEWELL: "Spent The Day In Bed is certainly an inauspicious lead single. Though the Roxyish keyboards are refreshing, the chorus "Stop watching the news!" feels symptomatically artless"-

MORRISSEY: -Move on, Mikey, although before you do, just remind me what Hodgkinson said of Spent The Day In Bed for The Times.

Image result for will hodgkinson

Bracewell puts Uncut Magazine down on the table and sifts through the other newspapers and magazines until he finds a copy of The Times from September 20th.

BRACEWELL: "Pop review: Morrissey: Spent The Day In Bed. The new single is funny, maudlin, slightly ridiculous and has the kind of rebellious outsider spirit that made us fall for him in the first place"-

MORRISSEY: That'll do, Mikey. No mention of decline or artlessness in The Times. Thank goodness there are still some journalists out there who don't need someone else telling them what to think. Back to Uncut, Michael, let's see if we can't put Stephen Trouser-press right on a few other things.

Bracewell puts down The Times, and picks up Uncut.

BRACEWELL: "Confusingly, the LP is often musically splendid"-

 -Boz, Gustavo, Jesse and Mando all look at each other, smile, and start high-fiving.

BRACEWELL: "After a decade in a chugging rut"-

JESSE: -Cunt!

BRACEWELL: -"producer Joe Chiccarelli brought new colour to the Moz sound world on World Peace, and here he impressively marshals contributions from four co-writers in the Morrissey band. The album rumbles in with brassy swagger on the Mando Lopez co-write "My Love, I'd Do Anything For You", like The Sweet chancing their arm at a Bond theme"-

MANDO: He sez I 'ave written a Bond theme. Perhaps 'e isn't so much a fool after all.

BOZ: He says it's like The Sweet writing a Bond theme.

MANDO: "The Swit"? Who is this Swit?

BOZ: Little Willy? Ballroom Blitz? Fox On the Run? All big hits in America.

MORRISSEY: And all written by Chinn and Chapman, NOT The Sweet, which once again goes to show that Troussé knows nothing about songwriting. How the fuck did this cunt ever get given a job as a music journalist, I ask you! Carry on, Mikey.

BRACEWELL: "It feels like it should be a statement of intent à la 'You're gonna Need Someone on Your Side', but instead of squaring up for a scrap, Morrissey announces himself with "Teach your kids to recognise and despise all the propaganda filtered down by the dead echelon's mainstream media"-

MORRISSEY: It's a shame this no mark didn't have any parents teaching him! The poor sod's believed every negative thing he's read about me in the past few weeks, and it has clearly influenced his thinking. Move on to his thoughts; or rather his mainstream media influenced thoughts, on Bury The Living.

BOZ: Hold up. You can't miss out I Wish You Lonely, he likes that one.

MANDO: Yes, he sez my bass playing eez like something from the first Magazine album. This eez better than The Swit, yes?

MORRISSEY: Judith Chalmers was better than The Sweet. Move on, Mikey.

BRACEWELL: With Bury The Living or I Wish You Lonely?

MORRISSEY: Neither. I'm bored of Etienne Trestle table, move on to the Mojo review. Let's see if we can put that misguided fool right on a couple of things too.

BOZ: Can't we just hear Uncut's bit about All The Young People? The geezer calls my writing "cute" in that one.

MORRISSEY: Boz, we've already ascertained that Troussé thinks you are the greatest talent in the Morrissey band, and that in itself speaks volumes. Mojo, Mikey.

Bracewell puts down Uncut, fingers through the pile, and pulls out Mojo magazine.

(To be continued...possibly)


  1. colonel, off out to celebrate city going five clear at the top but will read tomorrow

  2. "Judith Chalmers was better than The Sweet" Or should I say The Swit! Well it made me laugh.
    Good work Rats, here's to part three...

  3. quite good rat old dear, shame so few seem to read your blog

  4. Matt has been in the toilet for a while. Do you struggle with a voice for him?

  5. Mando is the best!👍🏻😂👏🏼


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