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Sunday, 18 February 2018

Day 2448 - Mentioning Sturgeon....a fishy tale

Yesterday at 5.01pm I received notification from Dawn Mist that I should check the blog. I logged onto and to my delight I found a new parody piece titled Tour Diary 2018 - It had been posted at 5pm.

Tour Diary 2018 is a wonderfully funny piece about Morrissey arriving in Aberdeen - or Aberspleen as he calls it - and goes into detail about hotel choices, tour shirts, anti-ageing eyebrow cream and Nicola Blurgheon.

I let Dawn know that I found it very funny, but thought it was far too short. Dawn replied, "I am a man with serious obligations and a readership of three deserves no more than two lines." 

Here is the piece in full (photo added by me, as Dawn hadn't bothered to include any):

Tour Diary 2018

Arrived in Aberspleen dressed in impeccable flash mac style. Timing has never been my forte and it appears I have arrived at least a day early. Damo, the man servant of personal choice, checked me into my five-star hotel and ordered the appropriate amount of Bolly and champagne flutes (10 bottles and one flute if you care). Upon checking in and arriving in the room I immediately practice seminal shirt throw. Accident. £500 shirt lands on roaring fire. Luckily this was the cheapest garment I have taken on tour so my tears lasted only for thirty seconds. I completed my tour companion word-search book in record time. Bordeom as you know by now is a plague and having rubbed my anti-ageing eyebrow cream on my iconic brows I decided it would be a treat to visit the band in their hotel. A treat for them you understand.

I hear a rumour that the band have decided on Premier Inn Hotels rather than Travelodge for this tour and as long as it costs less I do not care. Perhaps that loathsome Lenny Henry holds some sway over my touring party but he clearly holds no sway over his own career trajectory.

Upon leaving the hotel I am accosted by what I perceive to be either a genuine Scottish man or Rab C Nesbit impersonator.

"Yousss Morrassay" this recalcitrant recidivist shouts rather threateningly in my lower left ear

I try and plead ignorance and tap feet impatiently as my plans evaporate like ideas of classical Smiths.

"Yousss denne know who I am do yousssssss?"

Apparently this Krankie hobbit was actually Nicola Blurgheon who is in charge of the largest political party in Scotland. The problems of England do not seem like problems now.

"Are ewe join  to talk about the referendum" Nicola Sudsgeon rather innocently asks.

She clearly does not know the reception of my Der Stürmer interview.

On being reminded of my rather public fall from grace I immediately return to my hotel room, consume flutes of Bolly and play online monopoly. I win. For the first time in my life.

Having posted the parody, Morrissey then disappeared - no doubt he had more Bolly to consume. He was next seen on stage in Glasgow, where at approximately 9.40pm he asked the audience, "Do you actually like Nicola Sturgeon", before adding, "She'd put her hands in anyone's pockets." - a coincidence that just a few hours after a parody about Sturgeon, Morrissey mentions her on stage? YES, of course.... those coincidences just keep on coming.

I've only seen snippets of the concert, but by all accounts it was another cracker. From the Aberspleen set there were just two changes, with Israel and The Girl From Tel-Aviv replaced by the beautiful Home Is A Question Mark and Speedway.  EARS didn't manage to get close enough to offer her blue rose to Moz, but she thinks he saw it.

The pre-concert music videos seem to be going down well with the audience, and I too always enjoy them, but I do miss there not being a support act, especially as Moz has introduced me to the likes of Gene, Marion and Kristeen Young. Also, the pre-concert videos lead straight into Morrissey coming on stage, so you no longer get the anticipation of a build-up, and in particular the Morr-ee-say, Morr-ee-say, Morr-ee-say football style chanting.

The next stop is Dublin on Tuesday, but perhaps in the meantime we will get an update to the Tour Diary..... if Dawn can stay off the Bolly.

And finally, there has been much pleasure from fans in seeing Moz dance during Jack The Ripper - it is a throw back to the good old days. More please.


  1. It's good to see he's recovered well from the despair of the December video :)

  2. I am confident that Moz saw the rose. Unless I am mistaken, I am sure I saw those aforementioned iconic eyebrows raise slightly as he looked across in my direction.
    Still buzzing from a top night.
    The new parody was an extra treat.

  3. Forgot to mention the 'O' during Speedway.

    1. Thank you Ears, you were brave to take the rose with you, next time you'll give yo him. I read a lot of positive tweets about the concert, but now I want to see some footage. Have a nice evening!

  4. Truly delightful to see a new parody and a spectacular start of the tour. Glad you had a top night, Ears. Roll on Tuesday!

  5. fantastic how things spring in to life once the tour gets under way and ears as I was once told Moz can see everything from up on that stage so yes 100% he saw your rose

  6. Love it.Just caught up on the blog.Canny beat it.


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